Divorcing with a Baby and Navigating New Terrain

I remember the screaming match very well. Like it was yesterday. The sunny summer day I said to my, soon to be discovered just how mentally unstable ex-husband, “well, do you want to get separated or divorced”, to which he said, “what’s the difference”. In the blink of an eye, my escape hatch opened. It was like the skies began to clear and the “post-partum” that he claimed I had, that was “causing all our problems”, disappeared. I began to look forward and saw so much light.

I needed him to go, because our very young baby and I were now a team and we needed to start our new reality on our own. However, my ex had different plans and moved into my home office on the sofa-bed and refused to move out. Since I was the self-starter and breadwinner between us, I began looking for places for him to live.

Eventually I got him to go. Funny though, the apartments I recommended to him were within a few miles of our home, most importantly his new baby, but he found a place for himself 30 minutes away that was new and included granite counter tops. Needless to say, the day he moved out felt like I came up from the deep after holding my breath for years. From that day on I vowed I would never live in darkness again. I would never let another person on this planet take away my sunshine and my belief in myself. Little did I know, this was going to become the fight of my life as I am now 8 years later crusading through a co-parenting nightmare. That was the day I decided to really understand why I made the decisions I did.

Everything I do is to protect my spectacularly wonderful child. I want to protect his joy and his sweetness, his life spark and his laughter. Everything I do is to try and shed light on his needs above all else. I am acutely aware that sometimes I fail at this, because my emotions are so intense. I know at times I fail because I hate his father to my core for his inability to see life through our child’s eyes on top of his unrelenting desire to act spiteful whenever given the chance.

I am in a constant pursuit to unravel and understand the painful realization that my ability to ignore the massively obvious red flags my ex was waving in my face caused so much agony. Everything I do is to try and learn so I can model and teach, smart, sanity-saving behavior to my child and anyone else who will listen.

I work to rise from my defeat, and I want to use what I have learned to help mitigate this rapidly growing demise of families. I ache for these kiddos who suffer through shared custody situations with unhealthy parents. Parents who likely don’t present to others as obviously harmful or scary or sick. I want to stamp out childhood trauma related to divorce where it is avoidable. I want to tell people getting married that it’s ok to back out if you have second thoughts, I don’t care if you are 22 or 39. That the pain, embarrassment, financial losses are nothing compared to the agony of divorce and the potential torture for your children. I want to say that rushing into marriage is generally never a good sign so pay attention to that speed of courtship. I want to say that mental health struggles do not have to feel like you are potentially sharing life with a serial killer. Mental health can be subtle and manipulative and can actually make you think you are the crazy one. Not to mention the sick person continually tells you, “You are crazy”!

I got married because I felt bad, and maybe a little because I was in my mid-thirties and most of my friends were married with kids on the way. I felt bad that my ex had such a hard childhood, especially because I saw my childhood as loving and fortunate and safe. My childhood wasn’t all those things, but that light has been illuminated as I have dug into why I felt the need to pity someone and put their feelings before mine. I felt bad that he seemed alone in the world with little family. That he lost a parent at a young age. That he suffered abuse by a stepparent. He lost most than I could fathom.

I did not want to be another person who made someone sad, or who disappointed him, so I went through with it, set my feelings aside and ignored what was in my gut. I also did not have anyone telling me the red flags were something to pay attention to. No one talked about childhood trauma and how it can create disturbing adults. My inability to see clearly and stand up for my foundational core values caused me tremendous pain and causes my son anxiety on a daily basis. And that alone drives me to try in any way that I can to shine this light to save other kiddos from this kind of pain. A pain that is so avoidable and so unnecessary. We need to start talking about the seriousness and the prevalence of childhood trauma. We may not be able to stop it from happening entirely, but half the battle is seeing it and treating it, not ignoring it and making it worse.

I want to give hope and clarity to anyone out there suffering similarly, on the same path or presently ignoring those in your face red flags. I know when I have come across a comrade, a brother or sister in arms, I have been able to relax, I have learned something valuable, and I have felt comfort. The feeling of being seen and understood by another knowing and empathetic heart has provided unmatched liberation on this journey. So, I have dug deep, I have cried gutterly, I have taken anxiety medication, I have looked in the mirror and seen difficult things, I have self-reflected in ways to grow, I have found God, I have been brave, I have sought therapy and legal support, I have read and read and read and ultimately I have decided to discern that I am strong enough and smart enough to take my pain and turn it around for anyone else who can use it.

While on my crusade and through being brave enough to be open I have found others. Not to mention I have found the most profoundly loving and understanding and thoughtful husband, but that is another story! I have discovered so many aching, smart souls who are soldering on like I am, mothers and fathers, though more mothers than fathers. Every day it seems I hear of another defeat, but then I hear or see bright lights all around me.

I have written my entire life. I have never written something “real”. I have written stories and poetry and journaled endlessly since I can remember. So in an effort to write about the things that have forever changed me, the beautiful and the difficult. I write for those who can gain something from my writing. I write honestly. I write truthfully, as I recall things. I write and do my best to cite my sources. I write with deep gratitude for the ability to learn, to evolve, to continue to love and to put it all down in words for others.

To protect my most dear, I write under a penname. I hope you understand that need.

Now let’s get to the unpacking!