The Mother of All Shields

This week was my son’s birthday. He is now 10. I devastatingtly realized this week, that I have been a shield for 10 years. I freed myself from the darkness when my son was 3 months old and never saw then, what I know too clearly now, that verbal and mental abuse is as destructive as other abuse.

I have been in active shield mode for my child for 10 years. I have had clenched teeth and tight shoulders as I have taken the lashes on my back for a decade. This man (my son’s biological father who really does not even deserve the endearing term of father) uses our son to hurt me and since I refuse to allow my sweet innocent child to be used, I either puff up my chest and fight and “look crazy” or I turn my back and block the blows.

This week I felt myself crack. I am exhuasted. I will always shield my child, but what I realized is that by shielding I am breaking and losing the awareness of being with my son so presently. I am taking so many blows that I am not healthy. I live in fear. I live with so much angst.

But while shielding my kiddo, my life-saving husband (and the truest form of a father to my child) and I have been quietly raising a smart, loving, faith-filled, strong child who is articulate and has conviction. Who believes in himself and knows the truth about good people. Although he cannot muster courage to speak up to his bio-dad because of his own fear, he will get there. I realized this week that this kiddo can take a portion of the weight that I carry because his bio-dad may be one of the most real early life lessons he ever has.

As the world darkens and as the people around us darken with it, my kiddo will come across pathological liars, mentally unstable but “functioning” people, master manipulators and selfish adults throughout his life and his bio-dad will be a blueprint for how to navigate those toxic beings. My child will have a leg up, one that I did not, to see through the bullshit of twisted people and can then avoid, or out-smart, or move passed without getting sucked into their darkness.

So to protect myself, and my longevity for my child, I tearfully shrink my shield just a little, so I do not have to endure quite as much. I have begun to see the shield I have built on the back of my sweet, joyful child. It is strong armor built with the firmest foundation. One that has God and has an understanding of how to treat people and how people should treat him. One that questions what appears to be wrong or what does not feel right. One that has a core of strength and a gut-check that will only get stronger as he does.

I have struggled this week more than most weeks because I have seen clearly what I have endured for my kiddo for a decade. It truly is a mother’s love that endures without question and without letting up. And I would absolutely do it again. But it has been hard and painful and I do not wish it on anyone. To think that a person who had a child with someone, can actually use that child to try and destroy the mother who brought him into the world still astounds me. I know evil, but the evil I see still shocks me.

Thankful to see it all. Thankful to be able to change it. It truly is amazing how we continue to learn and how much parenting provides in life-altering perspective if you are brave enough to open your eyes and see it.